[edit] i'm going to have that hanging in my room soon (: mehehehe. i have this thing for curls. i like dark curly haired men. yummy. plus that scar he gets at e end. grins. i like him dirty, and a bit rough around the edges, grit u know. not all white and pansy-like. i sound sex-crazed don't i -.- but he's my one my only brit! [/edit]

i got high holborn (: it makes everything feel so much more concrete. and i honestly can't wait actually. i've been waiting for this for ages. and its finally happening. too much unhappiness here. i think we say alot about not being able to leave, really can't leave alot of things behind, but when the time comes, its actually quite easy to just up and go. leave everything that defined you behind.

so worried and stressed that i can't seem to see the end. i really really hope we get there. too much has been put in into this, and i can't let anything prevent us from getting there.

i love my darling goldfish (: be strong my dear.

All the wild horses
Tethered with tears in their eyes
May no man's touch ever tame
May no man's reigns ever chain you
And may no man's weight ever defrayed your soul
And as for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away
Roll away
As for the clouds
Just let them roll
Roll away

i wait for the day, to run free. to drive down some empty road, with the open sky above and the wind in my hair.

: all the wild horses :: ray lamontagne :

reminiscing

ahahaha. i was really bored, so i was surfing around, googling rj dance night and all the rj events shit from last year. and guess what i found (:

THE DRESS I DESIGNED FOR RPROJECT (: seriously one of my prized possessions. hehee. i think alicia looks gorgeous in this. just that i doubt there's ever gonna be anyone who can fit into this dress.

and a little something from ivan's blog. grins. absolutely hilarious.

"and the latin was HOT HOT HOT. jw got a nosebleed when the gals ran their hands down the guy's bod. =X and wj looked pretty different. couldn't really recognise her until the latin and the finale. yup i am terrible at identifying people. and JEMS! omg. hahahaha damn funny can. when the dancers were changing he and azizul were supposed to keep the audience's attention. and guess what he did. SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER! hohohoho...alright. i shall stop laughing. but i couldn't stop laughing at the sms he sent jw. haha no laughing allowed =X"

everyone keeps telling me that the publicity comm for Sentio rocks. ahahaha, cos apparently everyone our age knows about it. i went back to hk on sat, was talking to cheeguan. then i asked him to go, and it turns out (after a very long story) that he bought tickets a LOONG time ago. and how he got it was seriously 0_o spore is way too small. but anyway YAY. and i managed to guilt a few more drama ppl into going (: heh. i shall go nyeh-nyeh gerald. and chiok's going! (under b&j). i've all along been quite amused at how chiok, xinyi and i got to know each other. very interesting. grins.

i'm rambling. i'm off to finish my jap hw ): and learn my jap characters -.- otherwise i'll be a lost lamb in class again tmr. grumbles.

good week ahead! ticketing with bea tmr (i love bea!), korean dinner with screw on weds, possibly jap dinner with parents on thurs, and time with mel on fri. if only we could be back to normal, then everything would be close to perfect.

i want will turner please (:

plus, missing kayli, wanlin, jeremy, junwee, juee, wenxin, huihui, wanchee, audrey, noee, nat, denise, ming and alot alot more ppl. I HATE NS BTW ): anwar, jeremy & bert now all can't come out on 9th june to watch Sentio. pouts.

: hold you in my arms :: ray lamontagne :

thoughts of the future keep drifting across my mind. what will it be like 6 months from now, what will it be like 3 years now, 6 years from now, 10 years from now, 20 years from now. i've long identified ppl i know who will be in my life forever, and they are the ones i hold dearest to my heart. they are the ones i've made promises and plans to for the next 3 years. they are the ones i'll not say goodbye when i leave. (i hate goodbyes) but will tell them when i'm back.

deb and i were talking about how much we love grey's anatomy the other day. we're so different in so many ways, and yet so similar in some ways. our friendship has been anything but ordinary and boring. grins. but seriously, nothing gets me bawling like greys. nothing gets quite what i feel like greys. and usually deb. haha. its quite funny actually.

what i would give for a wedding vow like burke's.

my heart will always beat for you

pirates was ((((((((((((: will turner can be my pirate anyday

grins. its amazing how orlando bloom gets sexier and sexier each pirate movie. ahahaha. when he said 'i do', you should have seen me swoon. hehe. terribly sexy. plus at the end, with the bandana around his head and the scar and everything. yummyyy. i now can understand dione's obsession with scars on guys. just not on e face like chow yun fat. eww. the ending was bittersweet, but i really liked the ending scenes with will & elizabeth. i always was a sucker for star-crossed lovers.

bloody army. bloody ns -.- now jeremy & anwar can't watch sentio. grumbles grumbles grumbles. but at least they're still being absolute sweethearts and buying the tickets (: i love my friends. meehehehehe.

went for family dinner today, mummy's side. attacked everyone and tried to make them go down to watch. heh. shameless i am.

: hotel california :: the eagles :

today's pract was as usual, well rather frustrating. we seem to be stagnant at this point, and we can't go beyond that point. which is irritating the hell outta me. grumbles.

but tonight was really really nice. a sense of familiarity, a sense that everything was right again. haha. went back with justin & yipeng to watch qing nian tuan's drama production. e only reasons i went back was cos to meet the two boys, and see char's directing debut. grins. which was rather well-put together. you go girl. haha. and then the 4 of us went for supper. just like old times, me and char and one side, the boys on the other. talking shit and all that. i haven't had that in like 2 years. and i really really missed it. these 3 know me like very few do. and everything just flows so easily. hahaha. then had drinks with yipeng, collecting my first round of alcohol debts. talking about the future brought alot of things to mind. he has been the first friend to encourage me to go overseas, and that no matter what happens in the 3 years, at the end of the day, as long as my happy, things will turn out alright (: but anyway, maybe i should learn from him and adopt his 'let go. be happy' kinda attitude.

haha. i like these kind of happy relaxing friendships (: carefree and easy.

i really hope 'free' turns out well.

pirates tmr tmr tmr (:

: little star :: kellis :
do listen to this song (: its absolutely lovely

i saw charlie at driving school today. he's two years older than me, stayed 5 floors above me in mandarin gardens, and used to take the school bus to tao nan with me last time. plus i had the biggest crush on him when i started pri sch. it was rather hilarious looking back on those times. but he was always really really nice to me (: like a big brother. and i couldn't believe we could still recognise each other after like 10 yrs of not talking to each other.

have i not changed at all?

i just wish i could sleep all the unhappiness away.

the repercussions are flying at me in my face now.

i think that maybe if i had not wanted it so much, all these feelings & words wouldn't be said now. i would be floating along aimlessly somewhere. maybe happier. shrugs. but all i know, whatever that has happened, is a matter of time thing.

i'm tired of asking over and over again. only to get no replies, or rebuffs. that's it. i've had enough of playing the fool.

let the days wash over and pass us.

once a loner, always a loner.

choo yi ming! i've called your handphone a million and one times! plus smsed you. grumbles. did you lose ur phone again?!

: little star :: kellis :

nonsense roaming around central on sunday with anwar was fun. simple, aimless but nice. i realise we never plan things to do. go somewhere and wander about.

i miss ming. no one can really quite understand me like her. in the i don't need to say a thing, and she gets it kinda way. i haven't seen her in like a month ): she's been so sick and all. plus no1. her hse phone is whacked. no2. she doesn't reply messages all that often, and when she does she replies using her dad phone. thus when i reply late, it ends up being read by her dad and replied to by him. no3. she nvr calls back my missed calls. which ends up with us hardly catching each other. grumbles.

its quite funny how i now end up spending the most time, dancing & talking to beatrice. she's been my lifesaver. and it took us 5 years to get here.

everything looks ok from far. take a closer look, and you'll see all the cracks showing through.

people, things, plans, and words seem to be constantly prodding at my decision to leave. there are many ppl i can't, not ready to or refuse to let go off. and before rj, i used to let my decision revolve around those of others. i stopped living for myself, but for others. choosing bcme was one of the best choices i ever made in my life, for myself. it gave me mel, suefaye, jeremy and junwee. and indirectly alot of other people too. and it gave me what i needed to finally escape. cos despite all that's good here, there is all that is bad too. i feel like i'm suffocating under the constant pressure of memories. so now, for the sake of my sanity. i think i'm gonna leave. it might be a less glorious path, but it doesn't determine my entire future. and what matters most, i think its going to make me happy, and bring me that peace that's been so elusive.

plus i'm tired of having to retrieve promises. leaving here, means distancing myself from people who have made and broken promises. saves me some heartache.

i try to deceive myself every single time.

i keep staring. hoping to feel something. to feel that spark again. to feel something but emptiness.

and despite everything. despite me telling myself that it might be possible. there's absolutely nothing. just a cold emptiness. that leaves me emptier each time.

hours can never compare with those few scant minutes.

but i have to admit, its the only time that i can forget about the emptiness for awhile.

: amie :: damien rice :

tired.

stressed and upset about my dance.

i think your appearance broke whatever hold the dance had over me. and it seems like i can't really connect to that kind of peace anymore. cos i don't feel that peace. i just feel empty.

i feel like i'm letting my dancers down.

a lizard in my living room is terrorising me. i hate lizards ): they're evil creatures.

dance night 07 footloose

picture post (:


wancheeeee :D my darling. so funky eh.


rg gymnasts :D trampers!


wj & wj. grins. wen jun & wan jun.


my sexy hiphop girls.


angieee baby.


rj alumni (:


cheryl! haha, the only sec 2 i used to talk to back in rg dance.


the adorable j1 boys.


GOLDFISH!


amy & bea (:


viola! looking like a little rabbit (act cute. ahaha)


denise (:


and the fairest of them all. alicia!

yes! my blogger is finally ok again.

met jerrine last night to go for the topshop kate moss preview sale (: haha, i got a gorgeous cream jacket, and she got a red tank. its really funny how jerrine and i can not talk for a really long time, and then babble on endlessly about fashion and other nonsense. but it was really nice. haha. sitting in la mian xiao long bao talking and eating. i'll miss all this when i leave.

ever since i got that letter on sat. i've been thinking. tossing back and forth in my mind, what if i stay, or what if i go. i said once i'd consider staying only on one condition. and just so happens i got it. and suddenly i wasn't so clear again on whether i should go or not. but after talking to jerrine, and seeing you last week, i think i really need to go overseas. i was never good at letting go, moving on. so the only way i can escape from all that has been pulling me down, is to physically escape i think. but other than escaping all these, i want to explore the world (: i love to travel. and i know if i go london, i'd get to see alot more things than i would get to staying here. plus i've been preparing since j1 to leave spore. all the letters have been written over the past 2 years. sitting in my project letters box.

i've actually been looking forward to the day i can give those letters out. and put to rest some things.

everyone's moved on from that 2 weeks. only me. i'm stuck in limbo. revolving around that time. that place.

its amazing how attached i am to smells actually.

i miss screw. really badly.

: last night :: p. diddy :

URGH. blogger so hates me -.- i can't blog properly. everything's humongous. but anyway, i had to type a new blog. cos its my darling darling jie's birthday (:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAYLI JIE!

i haven't had the chance to wish you properly (facetoface/overthephone) for like 4 years already. and i'm not even sure if you read my blog that often anymore. but i just wanted to tell you, you're an absolutely wonderful person and i'm really happy to have a jie like you. i remember all the times we spent training together, you teaching me everything. and how i end up doing my routine like you. hahaha. almost, but not quite. grins. you've taught me so much, and you were there when i actually first competed, you called me after the last time i competed. you made gym so much and more for me (: i hope i'll get to see you soon. before i leave for london, or you can come visit me when i'm in london! hahaha. i love you dear!

not that i'm trying to advertise her facebook or anything -.- but go see e video on kayli's facebook cos its so damn sweet. hahaha.

[edit] 140507. blogger is a tad bit whacked -.- and i can't seem to update a new entry properly, so i'm resorting to adding onto my old entry. heh. anyway, RJ dance night came and went. it really makes a difference whether you are the in the organising comm or not. whether you're performing 1 or 2 items. the difference in feelings, last yr and this, makes such a difference. its really quite a disparity.

but i really did enjoy RJ dance night this year (: abit more peaceful, due to e lack of items. so i got the time to watch everything go by. and i loved it. taking the time to do my makeup, laughing, talking, playing, dancing. i love my batch dancers. they're wonderful ppl and i'm really glad that we were all brought together.

but RJ dance night really made me miss/appreciate/love my juniors even more. haha. the appreciation from my juniors, the love they gave me (: goldfish, viola, si en, yijing, wan chee, terence, juee, hui hui, wenxin, noee, nat, audrey, rachel, denise, cheryl and all e adorable j1 dancer boys. hahaha. jonathan seriously can sing like an angel (:

pictures up soon! BUY TICKETS FOR SENTIO PLEASE!!!!!! [/edit]

i change my mind. insanity is the word of the day.

i think i need to be more of a scorpio. keep more things locked up & hidden. emotions, feelings, secrets. i sometimes feel i'm too much of a open-book. yet if others really do think so, then they don't know me as well as they think they do.

people flitting across my mind, but i feel stationary.

dance is all that was ever constant in my life. nothing comforts me like dance. nothing welcomes me like dance. nothing brings me greater joy than dance. its all i've done for as long as i can remember.

word of the day: soliitariety

time to say goodbye

it seems like everytime you ever do look for me voluntarily or answer my smses/msn convos properly, is when we're talking about sentio. we don't talk about anything else anymore, or we just don't talk at all. i appreciate what you guys are doing for the concert, for me, but its putting all that distance between us. its become scre without much fighting from both sides. you're gonna stay. i'm gonna go. there isn't the need to remind me how out of place i'll be in the future. and so it all begins. and so it all ends.

i just wish i have someone to lean on sometimes. its getting so tiring just trying to stand up alone. you see, but you don't seem to really see me anymore.

i've never felt more weary or alone.

haha. i was just watching the open house videos that we did as j1s. our first latin item. and then matt & cat's hip hop. oh how i miss our dance club 06. with all the boys, and everyone. seeing everybody every day. pouts.

plus i don't think i ever really said this out. but i think krist really has this natural grace and she looks super natural and good doing latin (: she looked super good in our open house dance la. and jem tan ah. its such a pity he never did continue learning latin ): he could have gone pro. seriously. ah the good old days. hahaha.

en-bloc is hell tiring. feet are swollen again -.- i have this thing for water retention it seems.

i feel like i'm at a good stage in my life now. haha. i'm not bitter anymore. and i'm happy about it. i still think about things. but with just a tad bit of wistfulness i suppose. nothing more than plain reminiscing. but i do wonder if you think of me. smirks.

BUY TICKETS FOR SENTIO PLEASE!

: take a look at my girlfriend :: gym class heroes :

matin tagged smthing rather 0_o on my facebook. i'm still trying to figure out what it means.

anyway. today wasn't a good day -.- long story. i hate that alphabet. and i hate that i'm so sensitive about it. trust me, i really try not to be. but its so fucking difficult sometimes. i seem to be cursing alot lately. sighs.

i miss taxi rides home with you. haha, i'm still not comfortable with writing your name out cos its just something i don't really want to think about or acknowledge anymore. the time for it came and went. and so i'm trying to be content with where everything is now.

i think i'm like a huge confusion myself -.- i'm very unstable and volatile, hence i crave stability and security. i tend to gravitate towards sources of that. but yet, those two make me bored after awhile, and i know i really like the opposite type. which actually usually brings me alot of unnecessary trouble. brilliant.

i think today would have been disgustingly horrid if it weren't for krist, bea and amy (:

i'm amazed i've been a dancer for so many years and still alive -.- everything's just taking its toll on me. i miss the jia you messages you used to send me. the take care of urself. the drinks you used to bring me in e studio. its last year all over again. hah.

i need some angie sunshine. though my poor darling hasn't been her usual bright bubbly self. i love you dear (:

if i lay here. if i just lay here, will you lie with me and just forget the world.

: chasing cars :: snowpatrol: